I am usually so full of life.
But today, I feel like nothing.
Here I sit, on the floor of my room, close to tears. Jobless. Horseless. Summer Camp-less.
As I walked through the Town Green yesterday evening, I felt so disoriented; I felt like I was walking in slow motion, staring in on a different world, a world that I was not a part of. I felt like a lost child.
You see, maybe I’m jealous. Maybe I fail to give myself enough credit. But I feel like everyone has their passion, that one thing they love, and strive to excel in. Those who are on soccer and softball scholarships, their hard work paying off, reaping the rewards of success, laughing with their teammates, continuing to do what they know and love. Those who jump out of bed early in the morning to head to the barn, who have trained long and hard with their horses, rising up in the levels of riding, sharing accomplishment with their faithful partner they have gotten to know so well. Those who spend countless hours at the dance studio, perfecting the beautiful movements they can’t live without, because it is in their hearts.
Sometimes, I wish I had something like that. Something to make me excited for each day to start, because each day is a new opportunity to move forward.
But all I feel is emptiness.
I have tried everything. All I can accomplish is short term fixes. A jack of all trades, but not a master.
“If you had the chance to change your fate, would you?”
Would I? Should I have stuck with basketball? Softball? Should I have learned to dance? To do gymnastics? To swim competitively? Should I have ran cross country, or bought the barrel horse? Should I have taken voice lessons?
Well, should I have?
I look back, regretful of not getting involved in these activities. But then I think: if I did not follow the paths I chose to take in my adolescent and young teenage years, would I be in the place I am today? Probably not. My entire life would be different—my fate would be altered. The memories I treasure so dearly in my heart would never have happened. The people I love so deeply would never have come into my life. The moments, the miracles, the unique magic of my time here on Earth I have experienced so far—it would all cease to exist.
I would not be me.
The other night, as we walked through the park, fear seized me: it was dark, and we were alone, monsters (or worse) possibly lurking in the surrounding bushes. But my friend and I walked forward until we found the swings. Soon we were flying high, legs pumping, smiling and laughing like small children. All of my fear vanished. Each time I flew up into the air, there was that split second: where all I could see was the night sky, sprinkled with diamond stars, my cuffed jeans and worn Converse shoes in view. I wondered what it would be like to break the chains of the swing and keep going, up, up into the galaxy, the world becoming smaller and smaller below me. I softly sang as we both swung, Amanda pleading for song after song. She liked to hear me sing.
I quietly sang the closing verse to Five For Fighting’s “The Riddle:” Here’s a riddle for you, find the answer: there’s a reason for the world—you and I.
As my voice resonated in the still, night air, I looked up at a corner of the sky. All of a sudden, a brilliant shooting star swept across the sky, dancing across the wondrous backdrop, its long tail sparkling. I had never seen anything like it before.
I cried out to my companion, emotion rising in my chest.
It was a sign. I know it was.
Warmth filled by body, and I smiled, my eyes still fixated on the dazzling canvas above me. The star was a beautiful reminder that I AM living. I AM striving. My heart IS full.
A song plays on as the moon is high over me, something comes over me: I guess we’re big and I guess we’re small, if you think about it man, you know we got it all. Cause we’re all we’ve got on this bouncing ball, and I love you free, I love you freely.
How I have learned to love this past year! And is not love the vital core of the human soul? We live for Love. When we take the Way of Love, all else will follow.
We just have to be brave enough to let go of our own plans, to trust that the Divine never fails us; we are always led on the path we are meant to take. We walk a road of Purpose. We must let go, and swing into the night sky, always watching, always aware of the miracles we experience every day.2